Mommy, Baby, Tyrant, Serf

A new paradigm for love

Howdy! <3 Just wanted to start by saying that if you are here for lesbian history, I will be back with more of that soon! Right now I’m in the midst of helping my girlfriend of two years move across the country to live with me, so I am taking a little break from my dissertation work and thinking about other stuff. We are in the middle of a big cross-country road trip (currently in LA, heading soon to the Grand Canyon) and I’m looking forward to writing another road trip travelogue newsletter at the end! I also have some ideas cooking about women’s music (feminist folk music of the 70s/80s) and lesbian anti-nuclear organizing. Also, feel free to HMU any time if there’s a lesbian history/culture topic (twentieth-century U.S. is my wheelhouse) that you’d like to see me write about.

For today, though, I offer you a meditation on relationship styles, in conversation with a piece of FUTURE lesbian history. I am, of course, referring to The Ultimatum. I would be remiss not to boost Maddy’s incredible recaps over at T.V. Dinner (and the bangin’ comments sections on those posts), although if you’re reading my newsletter you almost certainly already read hers!

The other week, my friend and I were gossiping about other peoples’ relationships, and in the process we began to brainstorm a framework for describing a certain set of relational dynamics. I translated our framework into a simple chart, which reads as follows:

As you can see, the chart has two axes: Mommy-Baby and Tyrant-Serf. In any given relationship, each person occupies their own position on the chart. In many romantic relationships, two people will be diametrically opposed in their positions, but not always. These are relational characteristics, and so it’s possible be Mommy Serf in one relationship and Baby Tyrant in another, although most people do probably gravitate toward a certain quadrant in most relationships.

You might find yourself wondering what the difference is between the Mommy-Baby and Tyrant-Serf spectrums. Though the two may seem a bit similar, they refer to two distinct aspects of relationships. Mommy-Baby is primarily about care-taking. A paradigmatic Mommy is watchful, attentive to the needs of the other, and perhaps uncomfortable being taken care of. Meanwhile, a paradigmatic Baby enjoys or needs to be taken care of. Meanwhile, Tyrant-Serf is about setting the agenda/calling the shots. A Tyrant dictates what goes on in the relationship or in day-to-day life, while a Serf complies. Mommy Tyrants and Baby Serfs are often drawn to each other, as are Mommy Serfs and Baby Tyrants.

Within a given relationship, each person’s position will usually not be totally fixed - everyone gets a chance to be Baby sometimes! I, for example, tend toward Baby Tyrant in my relationship with Clover, and she skews Mommy Serf. But there are also important elements of our relationship where my Mommy side shines through, and she gets to have her moments of being Tyrant where I happily comply as Serf. I’m a complete and total Mommy (Tyrant) in the kitchen, for example. And Clover tends toward Mommy Tyrant in many of her friendships, while I can be Mommy Serf with some friends.

Some paradigmatic placement indicators: Mommy Serfs bring their girlfriends coffee in bed. Baby Tyrants have a special voice they use when asking for (demanding) favors. A Baby Tyrant says “do something,” while a Mommy Tyrant says “do this.” A Baby Serf complies with your desires, while a Mommy Serf anticipates your needs. Baby Serfs blush a lot. Mommy Tyrants give you driving directions while on the phone with someone else. Not all Baby Tyrants are pillow princesses, but most pillow princesses are Baby Tyrants. Mommy Serfs plan elaborate Valentine’s Day surprises. Baby Serfs get fingered, while Mommy Tyrants lead your hand to their crotch. Baby Tyrants sit in your lap when they want something. Baby Serfs write down the shopping list as dictated. Mommy Tyrants buy their girlfriends underwear and tell them to wear it. Mommy Serfs look up the restaurant ahead of time to see if it will accommodate their girlfriend’s dietary restrictions. Baby Tyrants suggest getting matching tattoos after six months and pretend it’s a joke. Baby Serfs agree to do it.

What’s fun about the framework, I think, is that each quadrant sounds kind of insulting, and therefore all four are neutralized. Seeing someone habitually occupy the far reaches of any quadrant can certainly be off-putting, but each quadrant has its positive traits and can be part of a healthy relationship. I also like how the framework highlights the push and pull of relationships; we each want to push and pull, and be pushed and pulled, in our own unique little ways, and those desires are at the same time totally universal. We all have our fucked up little ways of showing up in relationships. The last ten-plus years of dating have shown me very clearly that, while it is important to work on yourself or whatever, it’s just as important, if not more so, to be with someone who finds your fucked up little ways of being ultimately lovable, and vice versa.

One night, Clover and I were watching an episode of The Ultimatum, and I wondered aloud why Mal, the hottest and perhaps most socially well-adjusted person on the show, was playing along with her “trial wife” Lexi, a haughty and tyrannical 24-year-old who was insisting that the two were soul mates. Mal clearly did not believe this, yet she was responding agreeably to all of Lexi’s crazed proclamations about their future together. Clover responded that Mal was a total Baby Serf. She was totally right! Mal is a confidant, hot, butch Baby Serf who on some level enjoys the challenges of managing and appeasing a Mommy Tyrant femme of the highest order (see also: Yoly). Needless to say, I then needed to plot out the rest of the cast. Here are my rankings:

I will note that this chart was compiled about two thirds of the way through the show. Having seen the whole thing, I would now make a few tweaks. For example, Yoly would be much further along the tyrant axis (confirmed by a friend who’s crossed paths with her in Chicago lol). However, I stand by everybody’s general quadrant placement. The show is an absolutely masterful illustration of the schema, IMO. The couples show such a range of cross-quadrant relations, pretty much all of them unhealthy. You have a Mommy-Baby relationship between Sam and Aussie that’s gone way too far. You have Lexi modeling extreme Mommy Tyrant-ism taken in the darkest imaginable direction, paired with Rae, an absolute Serf who can’t escape her role for even a minute. You have a Baby-Baby pairing in Vanessa and Rae that’s utterly bizarre. It’s such a rich tapestry. One friend did point out that Mommy-Baby on this show maps almost entirely onto Femme-Butch, which funny and also true. This is not because all butches are Baby and all femmes are Mommy though. Not by a long shot! I think it actually really speaks to the casting of the show and the very particular types of lesbians who they were looking for (and who were willing to be on the show).

So, move over Myers-Briggs, Enneagram, and astrology. There’s a new judgmental modality for explaining the behavior of ourselves and others. I think you’ll find it quite useful, but maybe that’s just me being a Mommy Tyrant.

PS: Sound off in the comments about where you’d place yourself and/or your most toxic relationship on the chart ;)

PPS: Big thanks to Clover for helping to come up with the list of paradigmatic traits. Baby, you are a genius.