Recap: The Real L Word, Season 1, Episode 1
The year: 2010. The city: Los Angeles. The lesbians: bonkers.
Hello, dearest readers! I’m writing to you from one of my preferred coffee shops in Philly where I just transcribed an interview for the last two hours and my neck hurts. Last week I took a weeklong course on Zoom on oral history interviewing. It was both helpful and exhausting. I’ve been working my Lex essay a bit but honestly haven’t quite had the number of brain cells firing that I need for that particular piece. (Still accepting Lex thoughts & feels by the way - you can respond to this email to send them.) So! Today I am launching a recap series for a show that I hope will bring you even a fraction of the delight it has brought to me.
I’m talking, of course, about The Real L Word. No, not The L Word, but rather the reality show spinoff, which ran for three seasons starting in 2010. Clover and I recently finished the final season of the show, and now our roommate is also obsessed and so we are rewatching the first season together with her. Seemed like the perfect opportunity to dip my toe into recaps - and shout out to Maddy Court, whose delightful recaps of The Ultimatum and The L Word: Generation Q at
gave me a true appreciation for this genre.The Real L Word is many things: a delightful time capsule of lesbian culture and fashion in the early twenty-tens, an instructive guide of how NOT to conduct relationships, a documentary of lesbian insanity, and, occasionally, porn. It aired on Showtime, which, as a network, was not afraid to fully show girls fingering each other in the shower. They were also not afraid to show thousands of the droopiest beanies you’ve ever seen, or even multiple lesbians with white dreads. But I am getting ahead of myself. Let’s start at the beginning.
The Real L Word: Season 1, Episode 1: A Recap
Each episode of this season begins with shots of the cast members sitting on high bar stools in front of a computer-background-looking backdrop, answering a question about lesbian life. The question is never made explicit, but it is usually sex-related; this time, it is about the first time everyone had lesbian sex. Rose is our opener, bravely offering the first words of the show: “My first sexual experience, I don’t even remember her name.” Whitney recounts a charming childhood story, beginning, “So I’m 9 and she’s 11. She has boobs.” She relays that she’d wanted to put whipped cream on the other girl, but they didn’t have any, so she covered her body in sour cream and Fruity Pebbles and ate it off of her. We are off to a strong start.
We then cut to the intro. The first time I heard the intro music, a rock-inflected ode to a hookup who’s driving the singer to madness, I found the song bafflingly un-catchy. After watching the full run of the show, I now sing it every day, so interpret that how you will. The best shot of the intro is this:
The first real scene begins with Whitney driving to pick up some chicks at the airport. Whitney is the aforementioned main white woman with dreads (though there will occasionally be others). She tells us that she loves women, but “not in a douchey way.” One of the girls she’s picking up is Sara (pronounced Sada), who she had a fling with in San Francisco. Whitney’s waggling eyebrows tell us that she’s horned up and ready to rock with Sara. Whitney, Sara, and the gang head to a brunch with a couple of unnamed gay guys. Everyone is wearing the floppiest beanies ever, and, as in every scene where people dine on this show, they are all eating out of the most enormous white bowls known to man. Sara is pretty hot, but when we see her speak to camera in confessional shots, she unfortunately looks like this:
Whitney and Sara step aside to smoke a horny cigarette together. Whitney says to Sara, “I wanna crush your body.”
Now we cut to our first scene with Niki and Jill. They are a married couple who are always speaking to each other in baby voices. They are engaged, and they seemingly only ever leave their home for wedding-related errands. Today they ware wearing matching outfits of purple shirts and slacks, and looking at old pictures on the couch. Their story is kind of adorable: they first met at summer camp as kids, where Jill was Niki’s brother’s first girlfriend, and got back in touch 25 years later on a camp website. Sparks immediately flew. Niki tells us, “I’m the straightest gay person you’re ever gonna meet.” This mostly means that she is not friends with other lesbians.
Now we are introduced to Mikey, a butch with the spikiest blonde Kate Gosselin-ass hairdo you’ve ever seen. Mikey runs some sort of fashion agency, and today she is laughing maniacally as she dresses shirtless gay men at a photo shoot. She makes the first of many proto-trans comments about how, if things were right with the world, she’d have the male model’s body and be “swinging her schlong around.” Mikey is obsessed with penises, but as far as I can tell she is still she-her-ing today, so I will gender her accordingly. We are also introduced to her makeup artist girlfriend, Raquel. Mikey tells a baffling story about how they first met when Raquel choked her out outside a club. She also thought Raquel was trans when they first met (Raquel is cis). Charmingly, they both seem to find this delightful.
Next we meet Tracy. She is a tall, slender, beautiful 29-year-old executive at a film company (unclear what that mean - it’s LA). Tracy is incredibly wide-eyed and sweet. The show is determined to show us as many shots of her exposed flat stomach as possible. In this scene, she is wearing a bikini top and low rise skinny jeans and skateboarding with a friend who only says “yeah” and “yep” throughout their whole conversation.
Upon returning home, she talks on the phone with her mom while lounging in low rise jeans and a bra. We learn that she and her mom are very close but have a tacit agreement that she won’t talk about being gay. Tracy is looking to change this as she is about to turn 30 and is coming into her own. Bless you, Tracy.
Now it’s Rose’s turn. Rose is a real estate finance person (?). She is the tallest and loudest lesbian of them all, and we learn this immediately. The scene opens with her walking past a line of women outside a club, bellowing, “this is how you roll bitches” and waving a bouquet of roses at them. Rose is an absolute player and she’s not sorry about it. In confessional, she says, “for one girl that says no, there are ten that are gonna say yes. Just gotta find ‘em.” Then we cut to a shot of her in the club where she is simply yelling indiscriminately.
Whitney and Sara are at the club, too, although perhaps a different one. Sara is dancing shoeless on the bar, and not well. I would call her dancing style a combination of goblin-esque stomping and hoe-down. Whitney says she looks “so good.” Okay.
But oh no, Whitney’s sometime hookup Romi is also at the club! They go outside together and Romi is instantly crying. She is clearly very drunk. Iconically, she is also wearing a sleeveless American Apparel sweatshirt. Romi begs Whitney to call her, and Whitney’s like, “uh, okay.”
We catch a glimpse of some of Rose’s crew, which mostly seems to consist of Justin Bieber-looking butches ten years her junior. Bye, Biebers, Rose is out of here. She arrives home to her sleeping girlfriend, Natalie. We hear a close recording of some soft, wet kissing sounds as they smooch in bed. Rose and Natalie both talk in confessional about how Rose likes to party too much in confessional. However, Rose insists that, “for the most part, I’ve been behaving.” Sure.
Whitney has also gone home, and she decides this is a great time to call Romi, who is still wasted. Romi drunkenly says she wishes they’d never hooked up. Whitney says tells her they’ll be “great friends,” which is obviously a lie. She then heads inside to tuck Sara in under twenty brown blankets on a pullout couch. Cue pensive oboe music as the camera pans over the LA skyline.
It’s morning now, and we learn about Jill and Niki’s “morning routine”: Niki makes coffee and then they sit down with their matching Macbooks and start looking at wedding dresses. Today they are both wearing green. Niki says wants to wear a suit to the wedding so they don’t look like “twins.” She also doesn’t want to look like she has “cleavage like I have an ass on my chest.” Much to consider. They also talk about how gay marriage is not yet legal in California, which makes Jill “incensed.”
Tracy is waking up her new girlfriend of three months, Stamie. Stamie is a sturdy butch with drooping low-rise jeans and a wry New York accent, and she has 3 children with her ex, Julie. This morning, Julie is dropping the kids off chez Stamie. Julie is a butch with slicked-back blonde hair in a black muscle tee. She is hot.
Stamie and Julie immediately start testily razzing one another about how much stuff they each leave in the car. They are both being cranky but also smiling; this is a familiar dynamic to all of us who remain besties with exes who also frequently annoy us. God bless these two; they are clearly making it work. Stamie tells us that, even though she’s a mom with a hectic life, she had to start dating again because “my life is too short and my boobs are too big to be locked up in the valley.” Amen.
Mikey is having a busy day at the office. This is the first of 10,000,000 times that we will hear Mikey say “Los Angeles fashion week,” which she has some central role in planning. Today she’s doing a model casting. Some of the models are inexperienced and Mikey is immediately enraged, yelling that they are being sent by “small little no name agencies I’ve never fucking heard of.” She gets the culprit agent on the phone and they establish that there was a misunderstanding stemming from Mikey’s intern. Somehow, Mikey nonetheless flies off the handle at the agent and tells her that her agency is now blacklisted. She then turns to the room and yells “MODELS, OUT.”
Whitney and Sara and co are making dinner at home. Whitney unpacks sacks of Trader Joe’s groceries while Sara chops garlic. Whitney lasciviously remarks that “Sara is so the sexy mama in the kitchen.” I would love for someone to say this about me.
Whitney introduces us to her lesbian classification system of “pumps and pants.” Pumps are “feminine girls who wear high heels,” while pants “know how to swing a hammer.” How is this different from butch and femme? Whitney does not deign to tell us, and that is her right.
Rose visits her family and we learn of a vague feud between her and her mom (not homophobia-related). Her family is very warm and accepting, and they really want her to settle down with Natalie. After dinner, Natalie arrives. Rose’s uncle is perhaps a bit too excited and screams “here’s my baby!!” and then clutches Natalie’s waist. Natalie and Rose are wearing matching outfits of pageboy caps, low rise flair jeans and pumps. Natalie mentions that she wants to have a baby and ominous drum music begins as Rose’s uncle lays back on the couch to snuggle with a stuffed bear. Rose clearly has no intention whatsoever of starting a family with Natalie.
Meanwhile, Mikey is at home with Raquel, and she is in extreme baby mode. She’s perched on the kitchen counter, huddled in the corner and looking very pale and mischievous. The kitchen looks completely barren, as though nobody lives there. Mikey asks Raquel when dinner will be ready, and Raquel asks Mikey how she will help. Mikey says she she will help by watching. When dinner is served, we see that it consists of a sliced chicken breast and some steamed spinach on a huge square plate.
Whitney and friends are having a backyard bonfire. Someone says that Whitney has the “power of the clam.” That’s one way to put it. Whitney’s roommate/friend/coworker/ex-girlfriend Alyssa, perhaps the most mature and reasonable person on the show, gives her a stern talking-to about how she needs to pick people to date who aren’t looking for a serious relationship and stop leading girls on. Whitney does not seems to internalize this advice.
Getting ready for bed, Mikey is again talking about having a penis. She says that, after a few cocktails, she thinks she’s “the man” with a “12 inch cock” and is ready to ravish Raquel. They horse around and then make out in bed. Raquel is still wearing a full face of makeup. In confessional, Raquel says their love is “the Romeo and Juliet story except they wake up and they reconnect and they’re living their life somewhere.” That’s beautiful. Of their dynamic, Mikey says, “I’m a top and she’s the bottom.” Raquel chimes in, “except when I’m a top and you’re a bottom,” and Mikey giggles impishly. I would bet my bottom dollar that Raquel is the top and Mikey is the bottom 95% of the time.
Niki and Jill meet with wedding planner. It’s clear immediately that they will be a nightmare to plan a wedding for. The planner says she doesn’t want to send them to venues they can’t afford and Niki says, “you should.” They ask the planner to show them a number for a potential budget and we hear an ominous cymbal crash.
Tonight is a night where the show’s producers are sending everyone who is willing from the cast out to a bar to mingle with each other. Everyone is dressed up for a night out in low-cut H&M tank tops and long dangling necklaces. Rose walks in and immediately begins hollering, as is her way. Whitney is in a vest. She starts flirting with Tracy, and Tracy is friendly but not reciprocating her energy. Tracy notably is also wearing a vest.
Rose’s friends show up, and Rose bellows and hoists one in the air. Natalie is instantly pissed; she holds the traditional value that lesbians should not lift women other than their girlfriends in the air. These two could not be less compatible in their understandings of what their relationship should look like.
Sara is wasted and slurs to Whitney, “what it izzzz.” She’s pissed that Whitney’s flirting with Tracy right in front of her. Tracy tastefully drops that she has a girlfriend and bounces. Whitney and Sara go to fight in the bathroom and Whitney pretends she doesn’t know what Sara is talking about. She is unafraid to gaslight on camera and I think that’s really brave. They then go outside to continue their incomprehensible drunk argument. They both look devastated and glassy-eyed. Sara fully glitches at one point and goes WA HA Ha Ha HAHA. Yes somehow they reconcile. In confessional, Whitney confesses that she has commitment issues. Girl, we know.
Now it’s sex time. Spooky music plays as Natalie and Rose light a candle in their barren yet chaotic bedroom. It’s a fuck montage, and we cut to Whitney and Sara. Whitney says, “the thing about lesbians is you can go from fighting to fucking in the same night.” I’m pretty sure straight people also do that. The music builds to spiritual wails as we hear some extremely intimate audio of Sara making Whitney cum and the camera pans over those dazzling Los Angeles lights.
What an episode! We end with Whitney dropping Sara off at the airport to fly back to San Francisco. Whitney is needling Sara to move to Los Angeles and doing the gross baby talk that we all do when we’re about to part ways with our long-distance lovers. Can’t fault her for that, glass houses and such. Sara’s plane look is a long cardigan and the biggest earrings I’ve ever seen. As a parting sweet nothing, Whitney tells Sara, “I wanna crush your hand.”
And thats the end. Or is it??!! Comedic organ music plays as Whitney pulls away from the the departures gate and swings around to arrivals to pick up a different girl at the airport. ET FINI! God bless you if you read to the end - I can’t believe how long this ran. I will have to get better at summarizing. Please let me know if you found this enjoyable lol. And also please let me know if you decide to watch along!!! Maybe we can even bully Ilene Chaiken into rebooting the show. The Real L Word: Gen Q?! Think about it. Love you xo.
keep em long we love the detail!!
We must keep the memory of The Real L Word alive. Would love to read your thoughts on Curl Girls, a contemporaneous one-season reality show where Jenny Shimizu hosts a lesbian surf competition. There is a Mikey-esque lesbian who only wears Adidas track suits complete with a sweat headband.