Recap: The Real L Word, Season 1, Episode 3
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Good day, deviants. Today’s episode of The Real L Word kicks off with the ladies answering a question about what Valentine’s Day means to them. Rose says she’s never had a girlfriend for Valentine’s Day before, which leads me to believe that for the past fifteen years she’s dumped a girl every February 13th. Everyone concurs that women are better at Valentine’s Day than men. No argument there, not that I’d know. Mikey wants to make sure that viewers know that Valentine’s Day is a lame hoax created by greeting card companies, not to get sooo political.
At the end of the last episode, our girls Natalie and Rose were at a devastating all-time low after a lesbian game night of terror. Well, it’s morning now, Natalie is out walking the dog and ruminating on their fight. Rose, meanwhile, is chilling in her coziest pajama baseball cap, cooking up a heary breakfast. I would be remiss if I didn’t point out that she scrambles her eggs in a tiny nonstick pot. “Since Valentine’s Day is coming up, I really just wanna put the drama and the fighting behind me,” says Rose. Nat and Rose both reach the conclusion that they should just pretend that their fight never happened. This is not a sustainable system, but I guess that’s a problem for after Valentine’s Day.
We head over to Nikki and Jill’s Buddha-statue-strewn abode. Jill randomly works herself into tears talking about the beauty of radical honesty and how her relationship with Nikki has transformed her. Love that for you. She rustles up D-Money and they go to an enormous L.A. strip mall tech store to buy a flip camcorder as a present for Nikki. This camcorder is cutting edge. You can plug it into a flat screen TV and play your video real big. What a beautiful time capsule of a fleeting micro-era in technology. D-money said that its emotional to see that Jill has found the love of her life. Yeah, I bet you’re emotional D-Money, if HORNY FOR JILL is an EMOTION. Just kidding. He says he always just wanted her to be happy. Same.
Mikey is playing tennis with her friend who is very much some unidentified middle aged woman. My roommate Lola remarked that she looks like every math teacher she ever had. I love seeing her onscreen.
Mikey is taking her aggression out on the court, yelling about how Valentine’s Day is a racket (third eye wide open, per usual) and how Raquel has to work all weekend and never takes a day off. As evidence of this, we cut to footage of Raquel lint-rolling a droopy hooded sweatshirt dress on set. It’s a tough job but somebody’s gotta do it!
Niki goes to visit her mom at the dance studio she runs. Her mom is a tiny glam woman and we get to watch her waltzing with her faggy colleague, Allen. Nikki tells us she did NOT inherit the dancer gene. Allen pressures Nikki to get Jill a gift certificate for a private dance class for Valentine’s Day and Nikki is like, “okay bitch but you’re gonna have to teach us.” If anyone can do it, it’s Allen.
Stamie and Tracy are having Valentine’s Day with the kids. They are trying to have a romantic meal while all three children relentless clamber on top of them. Tracy seems like she’s just having a rough day and it’s overwhelming to be in this hectic house full of blonde children. She hides in a bathroom with her dogs and has a slight mental breakdown. If there’s anyone who will champion a girl’s right to go freak out in the bathroom for kind of no reason, it’s me. If there’s anyone who will champion a girlfriend’s right to be like, “ok babe, you done?,” it’s Clover. If there’s anyone who demonstrates the inequality of the low-rise-flare jean era for willowy femmes vs. stocky butches, it’s Tracy and Stamie. See below.
Natalie is doing a sexy Valentine’s Day photoshoot as a present for Rose as a way to differentiate herself from Rose’s thousands of previous girlfriends. The photographer is a fun butch with pink glasses who I would like to hire for my next function. Natalie says, “I’ve never really done anything like this before. I’ve never had an inspiration. Now I do: Rose.” Sometimes the greatest art is inspired by the most fearsome demons.
Meanwhile, Whitney doesn’t know who her Valentine will be; maybe nobody. She is both single and has 3 girlfriends. If you can relate, sound off in the comments. Right now, though, it’s all work-work-work. She’s elbow deep in goo making a prosthetic guy for a B-movie called Voodoo Cowboy. She reports that the director (a man) has a crush on her. Then, OMG, he calls to ask her if she’d like to act in the movie. The role is a “zombie-killin’ hard-nosed badass chick.” Whitney says she is in a mode in life where she’ll try literally anything that’s presented to her. I believe this, and it scares me. She tells Alyssa that she got offered the role and Alyssa tells her the role has a hetero love interest. Whitney’s like, “o naur.”
Tracy and Stamie are bathing the children and changing their diapers in the hopes of making it to an 8:00 dinner reservation. The children are leaping all over the place and emphatically not chilling out. Apparently this is their first night being weaned off their binkies and Stamie says it’s like they’re withdrawing from crack. I don’t know why they chose to cut off the binkies on the night that they’re trying to get out the door for a date, but whatever. The kids are freaking. Tracy is bummed not to get alone time with Stamie. TLDR; having three toddler-age children is difficult.
Nikki and Jill are waking up at the crack of dawn; they begin cooing to each other in baby voices immediately. It’s Valentine’s Day Morning, so naturally they share a breathy morning smooch. They both told each other that they wouldn’t do anything to celebrate and they both lied. Nikki presents Jill with a pre-dawn Valentine’s Day gift basket and a romantic letter, as well as the dance studio gift card. Jill creams her jeans and then tells Nikki to go make them coffee. Well guess what! Jill has left a bunch of gifts and jelly beans by the coffee maker. Then she presents Nikki with the video camera, with a video pre-taped on it wishing her a happy V-day. They are both overjoyed. Oh, to be two wealthy childless Jewish girls in love. The budget for jelly beans and camcorders overfloweth.
Whitney is preparing for a session with a trainer to get ripped for her starring role in Voodoo Cowboy. Unsurprisingly, the trainer she has booked is a teeny tiny brunette name Miranda who Whitney has a huge boner for. Before their session, Whitney whips out her laptop to show off a video of Miranda doing several insane flips and vertical jumps. Respect. Once Miranda arrives, Whitney tells her that her fitness goal is to “rip up her abs.” Fucking ew! Miranda delivers the bad news, which is that Whitney will have to alter every aspect of her lifestyle in order to achieve this. After Miranda leaves, everyone lies on the couch and speculates about whether or not she is gay. Tor is hating her life. Whitney says she needs a hot trainer for motivation, which does track. Disgustingly, she says, “Would I want to hook up with her? I mean, is a frog’s ass watertight?”
Due to Raquel working 25 hours a day, 8 days a week, Mikey is celebrating Valentine’s Day with her aunt. Aunt Kat is a cancer survivor who’s had a double mastectomy and hysterectomy. She helped to raise Mikey and Mikey wants to treat her like a queen. It’s very sweet.
After a night of the children screaming for their binkies, Tracy and Stamie are out to lunch. They are both eating salads from big white bowls and Tracy is wearing a crazy hat with a hand in the shape of Africa doing a peace sign on it. The hat is giving AIDS awareness vibes, feel free to fact check me on that. Tracy talks about how she’s struggling with her semi-recent parents’ divorce. Stamie talks about feeling sometimes guilty that her kids don’t have a dad. Everyone is trying their best.
Mikey and Aunt Kat arrive at the salon where Mikey is pampering her. Surprise plot-line crossover moment! Romi is the makeup artist! One huge feather earring, per usual. Aunt Kat starts crying about how difficult her journey has been while somber tuba music plays in the background. Romi does not know how to handle this situation. They do a group hug. Then Mikey reminisces about Aunt Kat giving her a bowl cut, which Mikey says was her “first lesbian haircut.” But, baby, not her last!!
In the House of A Thousand Beige Carpets, Natalie arrives at home with a 4-foot-tall flower arrangement for Rose. She is categorically doing too much. Rose then whisks her into the car for a surprise Valentine’s Day plan. In the car, Natalie says she wants to read Rose something from her phone and Rose tensely snaps at her to get off Twitter. Natalie then reads the tweet, which says, “Love is the best gift ever.” Rose responds, “seriously, I need you to get off that.” DEMON!!
Tracy helps the children sign a valentine for “Mamaca,” which is what the kids call Stamie. Everyone is wearing red shirts and they have a pizza party. Tracy has gotten over being overwhelmed, and they have a cute family Valentine’s Day. It does seem that they’ve had four separate Valentine’s Day celebrations at this point, but maybe that’s just their thing.
At the salon, Mikey presses Romi for details about her dating life. Romi talks about how she’s obsessed with Whitney but they’re not dating. Aunt Kat comes out after her makeover looking great and does a big Legally Blonde-style catwalk through the salon. This episode has a lot of wholesome moments! Mikey and Aunt Kat have an emotional hug. Then Mikey and the girls from the salon head to the Abbey for a cocktail. Bye Aunt Kat, it’s time to get crunk with the faggies.
Meanwhile, in the car, Rose impatiently tells Natalie to put on a blindfold and tells her she needs to follow instructions. They arrive at a hotel. Natalie wants to take off the blindfold because she’s getting dizzy and Rose says “hold on dude.” They open the door to the hotel room and it’s a normal hotel room. Natalie gasps a bunch. Rose presents her with a box of chocolates and a coupon for a personal massage and Natalie starts crying. Their dynamic is toxisimo.
In more wholesome news, Stamie gives Tracy a plastic ice cream cone. Nico (one of the babies) pops up out of nowhere and says, “my ice cream cone!” and Stamie is like “shh, sit down.” The ice cream cone is a box containing a key to Stamie’s house. This is a step forward in their relationship and it’s cute. Not sure why she put in in an ice cream cone but everyone is happy.
Whitney is chillin at home, taking an enormous bubble bath, when Romi calls to invite her to the Abbey. Whitney’s like hmm ok yeah I guess. She says “I think the reason why I get into situations is because I like to make girls feel good.” I actually don’t think that’s why.
After the massage, Rose takes Natalie for dinner at the hotel. Rose says her motto is that if a girl goes out with her, “it’s going to be the best date you’ve ever had.” It then cuts to her haranguing Natalie about why she had a breast reduction. Natalie presents her with the photos and Rose says that this is the moment when she’s finally accepting Natalie’s breast reduction. Natalie says in confessional that she thinks Rose is scared of being hurt, but I don’t think this is her issue. I think her issue is demonic possession.
At the Abbey, Mikey and Romie are getting rapidly drunk when Whitney shows up. Mikey is in fact already sloshed. Whitney and Mikey, who are meeting for the first time, instantly start bro-ing out, which pisses Romie off. Very drunkenly, Romie says “Every time I go out with Whitney she becomes best friends with everyone and I hate my life.” Mikey volunteers that she would bottom for Whitney, and which leads then Whitney and Romi to team up and give Mikey a “femme makeover” by unbuttoning her shirt and putting lipgloss on her. It is honestly an extremely horny gender play moment. I’m sorry, but this is no time to hold back on the screenshots.
After the makeover is done, Mikey tells Whitney and Romi, “you two are the most beautiful girls I’ve ever met alongside my girlfriend,” and kisses their hands and then starts crying. Time to go home. She stumbles away, staggers into bed in her desolate apartment, and falls asleep with the lights on.
At the hotel, Rose has ripped up all the roses Natalie gave her to put petals all over the bed. They begin smooching, with plenty of closeups of Natalie’s thighs. Rose says, “it was an amazing night and it ended even more amazing.” Yeah, they had sex.
After getting so horned up with the Mikester, Whitney and Romi go home together. I’ll say this: these two like to fuck on camera. They also had sex.
The night ends with a montage of everyone with their lovers, except Mikey, who is alone. The last shot of the episode is a heart superimposed over the gorgeous Los Angeles skyline. Valentine’s Day: a time to love, a time to dream, a time to get hammered in some cases. Love you xo